I am back from my holiday, initially fully refreshed and now back feeling the grind, but I am now a man on a mission. One of the few pictures from my trip depicts a man cooking a delicious Italian dish with his shirt off and his little pink belly hanging over his shorts… I look like a pregnant half shaved bear! I have taken this as a wakeup call! An opportunity! A sign! It is time for me to get fit!
Problem is I don’t want to eat or drink less and have serious concerns about most kinds of exercise… Firstly I have a problem with jogging, well not jogging but joggers, obviously not the joggers here as I am sure you are all good people but the people who jog by my boat are strange, aggressive and rude… I have seen them swear at old people and kids for not getting out of their way… They have jumped on the side of my boat to get past a group of tourists, they have put super glue in the gate locks so we can’t close the mooring at night AND worst of all, they flick sweat at you as they run past and you are sat having a nice glass of wine in the sunshine AND subject me and my lovely children to some truly horrific lycra related crimes… basically I can’t be a Tow Path jogger! Yoga has been suggested but to me Yoga is little more than barely synchronised farting in terrible clothes on camping mats. Cycling in London is not for me as I take enough risks with my health
This leaves swimming and the gym… at first all looks well, there is a good deal with market sports and I really really enjoy swimming, I also actually quite like the cross trainer as it is just a faster form of the dancing I used to do at dub parties as a younger man. The problem is a recentish one and a problem born out of living on a boat. The boat has a loo that needs emptying, I have to empty the loo so basically end up dealing with stuff twice… So you work around ways of filling your loo too quickly… One very common way is a cheeky pee in the shower, a victimless crime and much better than the ill fated magic bucket plan. My problem is that this may have become an automatic reaction like the way my eyes light up at the sound of wine being uncorked or the way my eyes moisten at the sound of the theme tune to ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ and I am not sure how well this would play with the other gym and pool users… I may have to go off peak and try my luck but for now I will stick to careful beard management and well fitting polo shirts and leave the exercise to Peter Garret and David Ritsema.
Anyway please can you drop your expenses off with me by the close of play to collect next week if I am not at my desk please leave them in an untidy pile on my untidy pile increasing the chances of me loosing it…